I started writing a little while ago and ended up with this. Pretty much a rough draft. ;)
People need to learn how to fucking drive.
- A road isn't a place to do your makeup while driving on, to read a newspaper while driving on, or to masturbate while driving on (unless you're with me and I ask you to). It's to drive on. To get from point a to point b. Why do you not need a tv in your $40,000 SUV? Because if you or your kids can't last 10, 20, or even 60 minutes without television, you don't deserve to live, let alone drive on the same road as myself.
- Now that we've established that a road is intended to be driven on and nothing more, we must now acknowledge that when driving, chances are you aren't the only person on the road. I know, I know, this is an extreme assumption, but it is one I believe can be made. Stop jerking off or looking for stuff on the ground or playing with your hair; you won't look any different whether that little frayed piece of hair on the side of your head is sticking slightly up or is matted down.
- Watch the road in the mindless, coma-like state you're expected to, and focus on accelerating to the posted speed at any given opportunity. If you do this, you won't be the reason I get stuck at every red light while you manage to just squeeze past.
- If you're in front of me at a red light, and you're being inexcusably stupid and don't realize that the light has changed green, I am going to honk at you until you hit the gas as hard as you can. If you flip me off, give me a dirty look, or merely look in your rear-view mirror at me, I'm going to run you off the road, no questions asked. Don't be a bitch.
- Also, don't drive slowly, or "cautiously." If you need to do this to feel safe, you shouldn't be driving. Anyone that needs to drive 10mph slower than everyone else because they have poor reactionary reflexes should be taking public transportation, just like a drunk person should. You fuck up the flow of things, thus causing traffic and accidents.
- Don't put something in the back of your truck or the trunk of you car without fastening it down. Really, common sense here. When I'm driving behind you on the highway and your wheelbarrow flies out of your car and smashes into my bumper, I will make you pull over, and I will make you pay for it. What the fuck did you expect? Same goes for that time your kiddie-sized plastic dollhouse thing blew out of your truck's bed and hit my car. God, some people are stupid.
- I hate being tailgated by punks in "suped-up" Hondas with music blasting, hicks in old camaros, or businesspeople on cell phones in sports cars who think they own the road. If you do tailgate me, chances are I'll either a.) hit my brakes, come to a complete stop in the road and take a nap, or b.) accelerate and brake repeatedly just to fuck with you.
- If an empty school bus is parked on the side of the road, you don't have to brake for it. Idiot.
- Why would you stop at a yellow light? Does yellow mean red? No. Yellow means "Hey, the light is going to change red soon, but because it's not red yet, you don't have to stop, douchebag." There's a reason it's legal to pass the white line while the light is still yellow - a yellow light is not an indicator to slam on your brakes and cause the person behind you to butt fuck your tailpipe.
- If you're old, I probably hate you on the road.
- Be courteous to the pizza delivery people. Unless you're an ambulance driver, they're obviously in more of a rush than you are, because they're trying to earn a living. Don't be a prick to them. You get pissed when your pizza is 2 minutes late, but you're also the asshole that causes it to be late. Same goes for mailmen, UPS drivers, semis ("big rig" truck drivers), and just about anyone else that drives for a living.
- Don't be a jerk just because you're in your car and noone can see you.
- People always say that you need to drive "cautiously" when it's wet out or starting to snow. Well, I'm not overly-cautious in such conditions, and I've never been in an accident. Not even close. Not even the other night when I was going 60mph down a wooded, hilly, winding, 25mph side road after it had rained and the fog limited visibility to 15 feet. Ok, I guess this is more of an example of how I'm only someone you want to ride with when you have to ditch cops. But the point is, I just know how to drive. Maybe you should learn.
Learn how to pull out into traffic. You've been driving for 20 years; one would think you'd know how to by now.
- First of all, if you're going to wait until there isn't a car within three miles approaching from either direction, I'm going to take a baseball bat to your taillights while I wait, because I don't like being bored.
- Also know that if you see me coming down the road at a faster speed than you travel because you insist on being "cautious," don't fucking pull in front of me because you decided it's time to learn how to enter into a street while cars approach.
- Another thing to keep in mind: if I have the right of way and you're supposed to yield, don't test me. I really couldn't give a fuck if you hit me, because you'd be at fault and I detest your SUV. In fact, hit me - I have a few big scratches on the right side of my car that need to be repainted; might as well do it on your dollar.
- If you pulled out in front of me and then see me, why would you hit the brakes?! What the fuck, man. What if I didn't see you? I'd smash right into the driver-side door. If you do something stupid like this, hit your gas and spin your wheel. Even if I see you, do this, because it'll save me the trouble of stopping, staring at you, flipping you off, and then reaccelerating and hitting you because you were still sitting there.
- If you don't use your blinker when turning, and thus cause me to miss a perfect opportunity to either enter a busy street or go around you, whichever the case may be, I'd just like you to know that I hate you. And I keyed your car.
- Don't pull me over if it's for something stupid. Remember that night you pulled me over for rolling through a couple stop signs, but you didn't think it was worth writing me up for? Well, I'm still rolling through stop signs, and you wasted both of our time. Or how about that time you pulled me over to tell me I wasn't driving "cautiously enough" for the road conditions? Fuck you.
Oh, and by the way: my taillights been broken for 6 weeks, not 2. You just aren't very perceptive.
- I don't care if you slow down when you see a cop, but don't do it if they're writing someone a ticket on the other side of the road. They aren't superman, they don't know you're speeding too, they aren't going to run after your car and tear it to pieces like the T-1000 in Terminator 2, and their partner is at Dunkin Donuts.
- If the cop has set a speed trap, logic would tell you to slow down, but don't be a moron and slow down to 15mph below the posted speed limit.
- Taxis are not cops. Stop being a pussy.
To pedestrians, I'm cool with you until you start thinking you own the road because all the laws are in favor of you. Then I start running over feet. You won't sue me over a broken toe, but you sure as hell will think twice next time. Things not to do:
- When jogging, jog on the left side of the road, and/or on a sidewalk. In a town, that's what they're for, especially when they're empty.
- Also when jogging, if you're with another jogger, or even two, jog in a column and not a fucking row. How am I supposed to get around you when you're on the wrong side of the road and are taking up my entire lane? Yea, you pricks know who you are. Every day when I'm on my way to work, there all 3 of you are, with your backs to me, completely oblivious. I'll be damned if I follow you assholes at 8 mph and end up late for work one more time. You've been warned.
- If you're riding a bicycle, just make sure to stay on the side of the road and not the middle. Summer's coming up, and I know all of you seasonal exercisers will be out there on the roads again. You can't peddle 40mph, ok? It might seem like you are, and it might feel like you are, but you aren't. You're going 10mph, maybe 20 if you're actually in shape. So just stay on the side.
Tourists coming this summer:
- You might be rich, but you don't own the town while you're here. If you aren't going to look before you cross the street, use the crosswalk. How hard is that? Our downtown is nice, yes, but it still has roads. Yes, that's what those are! Roads! Amazing! So stay the fuck off them!
- Also: Don't try to drive on our roads. You'll get lost, and I'll be damned if I'm going to follow you for 5 miles as you go 5mph looking for some street (no exaggeration here). Take a taxi, you cheap bastard.
Really, people should just stay off the god damn road. It's mine.
Also, I do not suffer from road rage; I'm just realistic.
I'll probably add more later.